Thoughts of a Son
by DemonUchiha17
Summary: Dean Winchester has a habit of bottling up his emotions until he is able to release them in the privacy of his own space. Nearly a decade had past since John Winchester confessed how he truly felt in regards to his eldest son. Now it's Dean's turn to speak the truth.


Ask anyone who knew the Winchester brothers who they believed was the heart and soul of the hunter clan and everyone would without doubt reply with a confident, "Dean Winchester." From the moment young Dean could walk on his own the eldest son had the weight on the world on his shoulders. A weight their father believed was placed on Dean with his own hands. Now that Dean was much older and even wiser than he was when John Winchester sacrificed himself it became apparent that was far from true. Historically speaking the burden was an expected duty of the child going back as far as the beginning of creation with God and the Archangel Michael. The heavy responsiblity was so ingrained within existence itself it was as natural as breathing but still was one of the most demanding aspects of one's core. The pathway of this unspoken rule went both ways and only now did Dean truly miss being able to receive the guidance and strength from his father's presence.

The amount of evil that plagued the Earth was endless and no matter how many evil sons a bitches they smite from existence another even stronger foe rose to challenge them. The battles themselves proved more and more taxing physically but grew more and more complicated on ethical standards. Everything began with hunts for vampires, werewolves and vengeful spirits. Those kinds of challenges the boys could defeat with their eyes closed. Those threats were then followed by the dick angels like Zachariah, demons like Lilith and finally Lucifer himself. Time after time the Winchesters would combat Lucifer but in the end he always found a way to come back more pissed off and more dangerous than the first time. What else would you expect from the second born Archangel turned devil? Previously no question existed when it came to the needed solution. The Winchesters would track the source of evil down and kill it. Those lessons that were instilled within Dean's being were now getting challenged at every turn and the hesitation was slowly eating away the strong resolve he possessed. The Winchesters discovered that they could no longer go into every solution thinking they had to kill whatever was the treat. Not only was it not always possible but sometimes it was revealed it wasn't necessary. The nightmare that was known as the Leviathans and Dick Roman came next. Great losses were felt during this battle and in the end Dean's pillar of support was crumbling. The weight of stress only grew more taxing on the elder hunter with the whole Godstiel and Metatron situation. Gradually things only grew more difficult and Dean began to wonder if he could trouble shoulder all of this demand on his shoulders. Through it all Dean Winchester said as though it was a mantra 'Everything will be alright. Everything will be alright.'

Even though that pain followed the Winchesters no matter where they went, the brother's persisted and Dean's faith remained steadfast. That strength was tested the hardest when they were up against Amara. If Chuck hadn't stepped up to the plate when he did Dean didn't know what he would have done. The constant battles were chipping away at his confidence and for once he needed to hear those magic words, "It'll be okay Dean." from John himself. The older hunter needed his Father to assure him that he still had what it took to not only protect Sammy, but Cas and the whole world. That was the responsibility that only a Father could truly take on. Hearing it from Sam or Cas would help but that didn't provide the same relief that was brought forth through a Father/Son bond.

A somber aura enveloped the entirety of Dean's room within the Men of Letter's bunker where the Winchesters called home. Thoughts of all the past trials they had endured wandered throughout his mind without resistance. The usual stoic expression that plastered the hunter's features was replaced uncertainty. Dean would only allow his true feelings to be expressed while in the privacy of his own space to spare Sam of any worry. Sam worrying only lead to his younger brother doing reckless things and in the end nine times out of ten would cause more stress on Dean. The brothers had been fighting the good fight for what seemed like forever and Dean wasn't sure that they'd be able to maintain the strong defense forever.

Whenever Dean needed a boost he wouldn't turn to prayer but to the source of his strength from the beginning, his family. The elder Winchester pulled out his secret stash of photos of his loved ones. Family was why he fought. Family was the reason he persisted through it all when on many times he wanted to give up. A small smile appeared on his features as he scanned over each of the photos as though they were sacred objects. When he looked down at them he remembered the strong bonds he had and still possessed with all of them and that felt like a warm hug embracing him tightly. Slowly he flipped through them, starting with the earliest photos of him and Momma Winchester. Mary had been gone so long but Dean could still fill the power of her love and the love he held for her. The trip down memory lane continued as he then moved onto photos of himself and Sam. How anyone caught them in a time of happiness was beyond Dean but he was glad they did. That was what he always strived for. In the end of the day he wanted Sam to have all the happiness in the world. That smiling face was contagious and more needed to see that instead of the boy with the demon blood, including Sam himself.

Finally came the one photo that struck Dean the hardest, one of the only photos he had in his possession that showed his Father, John Winchester. A deep sigh escaped Dean's throat as he sat back against the headboard and glanced down at the old picture. A few tears started to swell within his eyes as he thought how much he missed him. Much had gone unsaid between them and that was only one of the many regrets that resided within the elder Winchester. Dean had never been one to resort to spiritual talk or even praying but these were trying times and the hunter knew he'd eventually break again if he didn't release what was on his chest. "Hey Dad...dunno if you've seen what's been happening down here but its the most fucked up crap we have ever stepped into. While I know the battle is uphill I know one of us will kick it in the ass." He didn't even know if his Father could hear him. The last they had saw John was when the Devil's Gate got broken open and his soul escaped. Despite the uncertainty of it all sometimes Dean swore his old man was standing by his side giving him strength to keep going when every fiber of his being was ready to quit. Regardless Dean knew he couldn't keep these thoughts locked away any longer. His green eyes shifted to the photo in his hand and a small smile appeared on within his eyes.

The pain within Dean's chest got more comfortable as his thoughts landed on the many things that he never got a chance to tell his father in the living way. "Life with you wasn't always easy and I know you were trying your best under difficult circumstances. I need you to know, it wasn't all bad. Not once did I complain and that was for good reason. After everything I've experienced I've learned something... something I don't think even you knew. All that I did... taking care of Sammy, taking care of you... that was part of a son's job. A son exists to provide reassurance to their father and save them." Dean paused for a moment as he mentally chastised himself for what seemed like the millionth time. In the end he wasn't sure if he did ever save his father for he was the man who spent over 100 years in hell and never broke. Dean wanted to believe that was because John always thought of his son, and wanted to be strong and continue to live up to the expectations placed on him.

Dean refocused his attention to the photo before him and pushed the most important of his thoughts out praying that John would hear him. He needed to know after everything what truly lied within his heart. "You made lots of mistakes but everything you did allowed me to be stronger. It allowed me to carry out this unwritten responsibility between a father and son. So much was sacrificed for it but I never thanked you. Even though you weren't always around your example pushed me forward. I wouldn't be the man I am today without it. In the end we are better because of our bond."

Tears slowly dripped down Dean's features when he finished the thought. With everything he was dealing with currently it felt good to get that off his chest. Before Dean could continue with his thought he heard a light knocking on his door. Quickly he wiped any evidence of him emotional state from his features and carefully placed his photos underneath one of the few books the hunter kept on his bedroom night-table. Dean pulled himself up into a straightened stance and cleared his throat before responding with a, "Yeah?"

Another sense of relief overcame the hunter when he found the visitor turned out to be none other than Castiel. The Winchester could never explain it but he always had a stronger sense of calm whenever his guardian was around. Without speaking a word Castiel carefully examined Dean which became a habit long after the Mark of Cain was removed from his arm. Physically Dean seemed perfectly fine but Castiel couldn't help but sense something uneasy about his emotional being. "Dean, you seem stressed."

Dean lightly rolled his eyes and glanced over to the side for a moment when he heard the angel's assessment of his state of being. Sometimes he wished Castiel would learn how to tell a little white lie every once in a while instead of confronting him about what he was keeping from Sam. " We aren't just dealing with some evil here, Cas. The moral implications alone with this whole thing with Kelly and Lucifer JR. are... never-mind. It's fine, everything is fine."

The last thing the elder Winchester wanted was for Castiel to go off on his own to try to solve the problem his own way. Honestly Dean didn't know who was worse, his brother or his angel. Needless to say Castiel wasn't buying that front and questioned him with his strong gaze. Dean tried his hardest to fight back with his own stern expression which Castiel had experienced many a time through his archangel brethren. Most of the time it got the Seraph to drop the issue but Cas couldn't help it when it came to Dean. For now he'd compartmentalize the issue and move on.

Dean just brushed it aside as his thoughts wondered somewhere else. "Cas, do spirits hear us in heaven?"

"There isn't just one heaven, Dean." Castiel corrected.

"Cas..." Dean moaned out in annoyance. All he was looking for was a simple yes or no answer and Castiel was well being Castiel. That was another thing the Winchester's guardian had to learn. When was detail just too much.

Castiel could see that Dean didn't particularly want to know all the details and the angel tried his best to give his hunter the answer he was looking for. "If a feeling was strong enough it would come through... I suppose. Why?"

"No reason." Dean stated as he got up from his bed and slowly made his way out. "Enough of this down time... You know what I could use right now? Pie. You want pie? Lets go get some, pie."

Castiel wanted to say something further but couldn't as Dean walked passed him with urgency in his step. The angel glanced around the room for a moment and then noticed something sticking out from under one of Dean's books he had on his end table. Normally he didn't invade Dean's space but curiosity got the better of him. Castiel carefully picked it up and nodded slightly when he saw it was the photo Dean had of his old man. Michael had been very much the same way when God disappeared from heaven. The archangel had put up a front and hid behind his commanding power when deep down his thoughts were consumed by the loss. Even though Dean didn't want to admit it the two were similar and Castiel understood now the point of the question. Dean missed his father and was hoping he could still talk with him although the conversation was one sided. Castiel wasn't sure himself but he had faith. His blue eyes scanned over the photo before he took a breath and stated with confidence, "I'll keep those boys safe, you can be sure of that."

With that he placed the photo back down against the lamp and walked out before closing the door behind him. In the darkness of the room a faint light radiated within the room and slowly took the form of John. All he could do was smile as he glanced down at his journal which was the other book Dean kept close. He couldn't be prouder of what his boys had become and was happier then words could express how relieved Castiel was by Dean's side when he couldn't be. 'Those are my boys...' Was his final thought before vanishing to continue his silent vigil over the guardians of the Earth.


End file.
